Ed Gabrielsen

Today is a snow day. I want to write something.

When I press the return button, I get a new line. And a new paragraph. This Word Press site does not type like a typewriter. It’s more like building a websit. Do I really want to continue using this? I have not written anything new in over a year. Is it worth it? I just renewed my subscription. I like writing and I wanted to write a blog. Abby told me I should be writing a lot. Just writing everyday. Writing a blog is not finished writing. She said it’s more like a daily stream of consciousness writing or something like that. Noone is going to want to read this. But I am writing, nonetheless. So to write is to do it. That is the whole point.

I remember Dr. Lee said “Writing begins with reading.” This morning, I was reading Case #57 from the Hekiganroku. I’ve been working my way through these koans with Ruben Roshi. So this morning, he passed me on #56 and now I am moving on ahead to #57. Abby said blog posts are not meant to be finished writing. They are more like sketches. You just throw them onto the page. So far, I have balked at doing this. All the other posts I’ve made up until this point were more like finished writing. I edited and fussed over them. But now, this is just writing. No editing. I just need to write.

I’m still learning how to publish these pages. The font is often too small or too large. Things don’t look quite the way I envision them looking. So my lack of ability is showing. That’s ok. This blog post is more about just writing and doing it to get back into the groove. I am not a great writer. But I need to loosen up if I want to continue writing. My desk is uncomfortable. If I am going to write, why don’t I take the time to set up a good desk? Maybe for the same reason that I have not done other things that would be good to do. Things that would be ways to take care of myself. To care for myself. I think that for a long time, I have not really loved myself. In fact, I think that I have hated myself. And this is a bottom line. Everything begins with this. Everything that needs to happen from here on out will be the healing of this.

It is very interesting and coincidental that the next koan I am working on, the one that came up this morning, is Case #57.

–Ed